I got depressed so bad na I tried to kill myself twice. Una is yung nasa bahay ako, I'm all alone and I had no one to talk to. I was dealing with some family and self issues na sobrang nag break down ako. Nagsuot ako ng formal attire then I hang a rope sa may garage namin. Sobra ang pag iyak ko that time, all I want is to end everything -- my suffering, my sadness, my life. Sinuot ko yung ulo ko sa rope and nag step ako ng isa to know how it will feel, and to tell you the truth... masakit! mahirap makahinga! nakakatakot! Buti nalang nakapa ng paa ko yung table. Nag isip ako... maraming "what ifs", I was fickle. Di ako makadecide kung itutuloy ko or not. I cried my heart out, then eventually nakatulog ako sa table, sa garage. Ayun nakita ako ng parents ko ang yung rope na naka-hang, they keep telling me that suicide isn't a solution to my problem.
second is nasa school, (If you know Jonah Ortiz's story, the guy who commited suicide and died sa UST... I was about to do the same) I feel alone, di ako makausap ng matino, I was crying all the time, di ako pumapasok ng class and if pumasok man ako tulala lang ako. Reasons of my being in that state are the same with the reasons of my first attempt of killing myself, mas malala nga lang ang feeling ngayon. Alam nyo yung feeling na you've hit rock bottom again and again and parang di na kayo makaka angat pa dahil pagod ka na ng sobra. Feeling ko lahat ng ginagawa ko walang kuwenta. Feeling ko wala akong kuwenta. That I'm a worthless piece of shit! ... I was at the 4th floor of PHL (isang building sa school ko). Nakataas na yung paa ko dun sa railings (yun ba tawag dun?) Maraming students ang nakatingin sa akin. I was about to jump off a four-storey building but I was stopped my my professor and classmate. Tinanong nila kung ano ba daw ngangyayari sa akin pero I just cried. Sinamahan nila ako sa St. Jude yung simbahan, sabi nila mag pray lang daw ako. I prayed for signs, for guidance, for answers.
hangang ngayon I'm still waiting for the answers, ginagawa ko nalang is I'm distracting myself through reading, studying, sports, arts, and MUSIC.
Hindi ko alam kung magkakaroon din ba ulit ako ng massive breakdown or not, I really do hope na hindi dahil ang hirap, di ko ma describe kung gaano kasakit, kalungkot yung pakiramdam. I'm hoping for the best.